As indicated in previous articles, Emotional Intelligence is comprised of understanding self and understanding others. I have spent print on the various ways to increase understanding one’s thoughts and feelings and how they drive behavior. For this article I want to focus on part 2 of EI, which involves understanding others, or social awareness. For me, one of the most significant ways we can understand others is have some level of “empathy.”
Loosely defined, empathy is the ability to sense the feelings of another person and respond to those feelings effectively. So, in essence, we have two parts comprising empathy: sensing and responding. Are there people who read the feelings of others quite well but, either don’t respond, respond negatively, or even manipulate that understanding for self-gain? Yes.
In my opinion, “sensing is a gift,” and not everyone has that ability to read others. When I was in graduate school, the counseling program had a required course called “Interpersonal Communication,” which focused on the ability of future counselors/therapists to be able to read a client’s feelings and respond effectively. Surprisingly, some of the doctoral candidates in the class lacked empathy, and were eliminated from going further (my guess is they pursued the research or experimental tract).
If you want a more objective test rather than the opinion of experts or others, try watching a TV program without sound, record it, and guess what emotions the actors are expressing. Then play the recording back to determine accuracy. When I did an internship at a youth development center, I came in contact with some of the best readers of feelings ever but, unfortunately, the responding part was absent or detrimental.
In summary, the following represent my thoughts regarding empathy.
• As the famous leadership expert, Stephen Covey, once stated “seek first to understand and then to be understood.”
• As you converse, listen for content (words) and feelings, and don’t be surprised if the two are incongruent. Many of us try to hide our feelings behind words, so separating them, would be a good beginning for future conversation.
• In my opinion, it is very difficult to teach someone how to sense the feelings of another.
• Manufactured responses to someone’s problems without truly sensing the emotions behind them, may present as ingenuine or phony.
• It is difficult to be empathic all the time as it can be draining. Think of it as a resource to be used wisely.
