As stated in previous articles, Emotional Intelligence consists of two major components: self- awareness and awareness of others. Awareness of others, in part, involves how we communicate with others. While being able to “read others,” is paramount for awareness, so too is our ability to shift how we communicate when necessary. Of course, listening is one of the major communication components, however, speaking is the other, and there are many styles of speaking.
The diagram below is intended to illustrate styles of speaking, and it contains two major styles: advocacy (assertion) and inquiry (questioning). The listening piece is not included, but there is a third dimension to the model which is not listed, and that dimension is “effectiveness.”
All styles have the capacity to be effective or ineffective, and here is how it works. In the upper left-hand quadrant, we have high advocacy and low inquiry (stating your views but not inquiring about the views of others). If in conversation, this is perceived as an effective style, you will present as being good at explaining, such as a teacher. However, if you use this style in a group of peers (a committee for example), you may present as imposing your views on others and thus, ineffective.
In the lower left-hand quadrant, we find a style that is low in advocacy and low in inquiry, which, if perceived as effective, will present as an astute observer perhaps reflecting on the situation. However, if you are perceived as uncaring, detached, or withdrawn, this style will present as being ineffective.
In the lower right-hand quadrant, we find a style that is low on advocacy and high on inquiry. If you are effective using this style, you will be perceived and an interested questioner, perhaps interviewing someone (i.e., a psychologist or journalist). If you present ineffectively, you will be perceived perhaps as a bully or driven to find answers (i.e., an attorney).
Lastly, in the upper-right hand quadrant, we find a style which is high in both advocacy and inquiry. If you are effective in using this style, you will be perceived as a collaborative, leader interested in “mutual learning.” However, if you are perceived as ineffective using this style, you will present as indecisive, and over doing the interaction.
In summary, here are my recommendations for using this model.
1) With the increased self-awareness you have gained through my previous articles (ha ha!), identify the quadrants you typically spend the most time in during your daily communications. You might call it your pattern.
2) Practice shifting your styles depending upon the situation. For example, as a professor, I would spend most of my time in the upper left-hand quadrant because I was teaching students. However, when I consulted with different organizations, I would shift toward the upper right-hand quadrant, because I was dealing with competent, educated adults.
3) Style flex is the key to better communication which is paramount in understanding others.
